by Chick Moorman
Not many parents set out to raise a thirty-year-old
Nintendo player who sprawls on the couch all day sucking up pizza
and diet Pepsi. Yet many parents actually subvert their positive intention
of raising responsible, confident, fully functioning children. They
do it by unconsciously using Parent Talk that allows and encourages
helplessness.
What about your Parent Talk? Is it filled with language
that builds autonomy and independence? Or is it filled with words
and phrases that teach your children dependence? To find out, take
the following Parent Talk Language of Learned Helplessness Quiz. Read
the statements below to determine whether or not they occur regularly
in your language patterns. (Answers appear at the end of the quiz.)
1. "Let me get that for you."
2. "I'll do it."
3. "Act as if you can."
4. "Let me handle that."
5. "Let me demonstrate for you."
6. "I'll get you started. You do the rest."
7. "Take a risk and see if you can do it."
8. "I'll talk to your mother and see if I can get
her to change her mind."
9. "It was raining, so I put your bike in the garage."
10. "What possibilities do you see?"
11. "Sounds like you have a problem. What have
you thought of so far?"
12. "I'll fix it for you."
13. "I'll send your teacher a note and get her
to give you more time."
14. "That's too difficult for you."
15. "It's late so I'll let it go this time."
16. "Would you like me to teach you how to do that?"
17. "You are old enough to begin doing your own
laundry. Come on, I'll show you how."
18. "Ask me if you need any help."
19. "I'll call the store for you and see if they
have any left in stock."
20. "The cleaning lady will be here on Monday,
so put away anything you don't want moved in your room."
The answers to the Parent Talk Language of Learned Helplessness
Quiz follow. If you note that you are regularly using the language
of learned helplessness, you may be an over-functioning parent. You
just may be performing tasks, rescuing, and taking over to the degree
that your child is being deprived of learning his or her own lessons.
Inadvertently, you may be encouraging your child to stop doing things
for himself or herself. Check it out.
1. "Let me get that for you." (Learned Helplessness)
Allow children to get things for themselves, or teach them to ask
for help.
2. "I'll do it." (Learned Helplessness) If
you do for, do for, do for, children don't learn to do for themselves.
This creates dependence.
3. "Act as if you can." This phrase encourages
autonomy.
4. "Let me handle that." (Learned Helplessness)
Let children handle things. Experience is messy. Let them learn from
experience.
5. "Let me demonstrate for you." Demonstrating
is teaching. This helps them become independent.
6. "I'll get you started. You do the rest."
This is another example of teaching. If you want a behavior, you have
to teach a behavior. Teach your children the system, then let them
use the system.
7. "Take a risk and see if you can do it."
This way of speaking makes you dispensable rather than indispensable.
8. "I'll talk to your mother and see if I can get
her to change her mind." (Learned Helplessness) Whose relationship
with the mother is this? Yours or the child's?
9. "It was raining, so I put your bike in the garage."
(Learned Helplessness) If you do this once, okay. If you do it twice,
you have set up an expectation. If you do it three times, congratulations
- you now have a new job.
10. "What possibilities do you see?" This
style of Parent Talk promotes possibility thinking and helps children
see a variety of alternatives.
11. "Sounds like you have a problem. What have
you thought of so far?" This promotes a search for solutions
and lets children know you see them as problem solvers.
12. "I'll fix it for you." (Learned Helplessness)
If we keep fixing things for youngsters, they have no reason to learn
to fix things for themselves.
13. "I'll send your teacher a note and get her
to give you more time." (Learned Helplessness) This is a classic
rescue. Your children will learn a more valuable lesson if you allow
them to experience consequences.
14. "That's too difficult for you." (Learned
Helplessness) Allow children to decide the degree of difficulty unless
this is a safety or health issue.
15. "It's late so I'll let it go this time."
(Learned Helplessness) Every time you let it go, you teach children
that someone will bail them out and they won't have to live with the
consequences of their actions.
16. "Would you like me to teach you how to do that?"
This Parent Talk allows children to determine whether or not they
want help. If they do, teaching is more helpful than doing.
17. "You are old enough to be doing your own laundry.
Come on, I'll show you how." Your job is to teach them how. Their
job is to do it.
18. "Ask me if you need any help." If you
help before they ask, they won't learn how to ask.
19. "I'll call the store for you and see if they
have any left in stock." (Learned Helplessness) If they won't
call the store themselves, they don't want the item badly enough to
have it. If they don't know how to call the store, teach them to use
a phone book.
20. "The cleaning lady will be here on Monday,
so put away anything you don't want moved in your room." (Learned
Helplessness) Whatever happened to children cleaning their own rooms?
If you want to raise kids who feel entitled, pay someone to clean
their rooms.
