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The Response-Able Parenting Newsletter 40
May 4, 2005

Welcome! This is a free newsletter on becoming a Response-Able parent raising Response-Able children.

www.chickmoorman.com 1-877-360-1477
www.thomashaller.com 1-989-667-5654

MISSION STATEMENT
Our mission is to strengthen families and improve parent communication skills (including our own) by helping parents learn practical, usable verbal strategies for raising responsible, caring, confident children.


IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote
2. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation
3. Bumper Sticker
4. Article: This Is Going to Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You
5. A Sign of Over-Functioning
6. The Parent Talk System Facilitator Trainings
7. Did You Know?
8. Humor
9. We Get Email
10. Schedule of Events


1. Quote


"Americans need to re-evaluate why we believe it is reasonable to hit young, vulnerable children, when it is against the law to hit other adults, prisoners, and even animals."

---Elizabeth Gershoff


2. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation


Are you noticing your moments today? Are you teaching your children to notice theirs?


3. Bumper Sticker


Spotted on a maroon Chevy truck in Chick's driveway:

Honk if you're cute, rich, and love horses.


4. Article: This Is Going to Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You


By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller

More than one generation of parents has uttered the words, "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you." These words have been delivered by mothers as well as by fathers. They have been spoken calmly and also with intense anger. Regardless of their tone, volume, or intensity, they are usually followed by a spanking.

Don't look now, but the familiar adage, "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you," may be true.

Because it's the child's bottom that gets stung, it appears at first glance that the child is the one who gets hurt. Clearly an adult hand can tolerate more violence than a child's tender backside can. Yes, children who are spanked regularly can hurt as much on the inside as they do on the outside. True, some of the psychological scars inflicted by hitting children can take years to heal. There is no doubt that spanking children hurts them in many ways. And yet the supposition remains: maybe spanking a child does hurt the parent as much or more than it does the child.

Consider the following:

When a spanking occurs, the child disconnects. He withdraws emotionally from the parent and the situation. With enough spankings, the disconnect can become permanent. If your child has disconnected from you, you are indeed the one who has been hurt.

When you discipline a child with physical aggression, you often initiate a power struggle. This activates resistance, reluctance, and resentment in the one who has received the discipline. Even if the child acquiesces, he often engages in revenge fantasies. That means he is wishing he could get you. If your spankings result in reluctance and resistance on the part of your child, once again it is you who has been hurt.

There is a name for a big person who hits little ones. That name is BULLY. If your child perceives you as a bully, you have lost again. You have lost stature in her eyes. You have injured your reputation in the heart and mind of your own child.

By jumping to the physical punishment stance you lose an opportunity to learn enlightened parenting skills. Not only does this strategy rarely teach the lesson you intend, it also deprives you of learning new verbal skills and parenting techniques that would add to your parenting toolbox. If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to look at everything as if it were a nail. Your effectiveness as a parent is undermined as a result of relying on physical punishment and not developing additional skills.

Spanking a child meets the needs of the adult, not the child. By satisfying your needs, you can quickly return to your own agenda. Sacrificed in the process is the family agenda. Your ability to be a part of a family, including the dialogue of debriefing, listening, and consensus seeking, is hurt by focusing solely on your own needs. If a sense of family is important to you, you hurt that effort by relying on the selfishness of spanking.

Spanking takes you in the opposite direction from becoming the parent you always wanted to be. Do you really feel like an effective parent when you spank your children? Does your image of yourself as an effective parent increase when you resort to hitting them? Do you say to yourself, "There, I've been a good parent again," when you lay your hand on your child's backside? If you have a grander vision of yourself as a parent than one who models "might makes right" to his children, then spanking hurts you.

Justifying in your mind that spanking children is necessary allows you to be unconscious about the work you need to do on your own anger issues. It stunts your growth as a mature parent and permits you to continue being a child who is attempting to raise children. Hitting children helps you stay little and does nothing to encourage you to move into adulthood.

Clearly, spanking has the potential to hurt your child in many ways. There is no doubt about that. But don't delude yourself with the idea that it hurts them more than it hurts you. The hurt that occurs during spanking is not limited to one person. It hurts all involved. Why not stop hurting yourself and your child? Why not eliminate spanking from your parenting repertoire?

10 Commitments Book

Preview at Amazon.com

Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose (available from Personal Power Press at toll-free 877-360-1477, and bookstores everywhere). Visit www.thomashaller.com, www.chickmoorman.com, and www.10commitments.net.


5. A Sign of Over-Functioning


If you hear yourself using sentences about your child that begin with we, as in, "We are applying to Michigan State University" and "We have piano practice this afternoon," you are over-functioning.

Prescription: Find a hobby, sign up for an adult education class, play a sport, take up a musical instrument, learn to ride horses, or get a part-time job. Let go. It will be good for both of you.


6. The Parent Talk System Facilitator Trainings


Join in the fun!

1.) Meet and network with a cadre of like-minded participants who are committed to promoting enlightened parenting in the world.

2.) Learn the skills and develop the confidence necessary to move ahead in your career by learning how to quickly and easily enter the field of parent training.

3.) Receive regular and genuine affirmation and appreciation from participants, such as:

  • "Thank you for doing this. You helped me reestablish my connection with my son. He even lets me hug him now."

  • "Your efforts have helped me immensely. I haven't yelled at my daughter in weeks. I like who I am as a parent now."

  • "I didn't realize what I was doing to my children. You have helped me open my eyes and my heart. Thank you."

4.) Go home at night feeling happy that you have helped heal the planet, one family at a time.

Don't you want to have some of that fun? There is still space available in the Dearborn, Michigan, Parent Talk System training.

June 16-18
Dearborn, MI
Facilitated by Chick Moorman, Sarah Knapp, and Judith Minton
Limited to 35 participants

Request a brochure and registration materials from Chick Moorman at ipp57@aol.com or call toll-free 877-360-1477. Include your mailing address.


7. Did You Know?


1. Father's Day, which falls on June 19, has become a day not only to honor your father, but all men who act as father figures: stepfathers, uncles, grandfathers, and mentors.

2. Angie Delpup, Child Life Specialist at Crittenton Hospital Medical Center in Rochester, MI, has purchased 120 copies of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. The book, a helpful explanation of enlightened parenting, will be given as a gift to all moms who deliver at Crittenden Hospital. Replacing the traditional fruit basket, The 10 Commitments will include a certificate on the inside telling the name, date, and birth weight of the child. Also included will be a bookmark listing emergency numbers and a schedule of parenting classes offered by the hospital staff.

3. You may be deleted from this newsletter mailing list at any time. Just email ipp57@aol.com and request to be deleted from the Response-Able Parenting Newsletter list.

4. According to the National Center for Education Statistics, only 45 percent of parents read to their children. Children who read with their parent have higher intelligence and reading ability, are better able to comprehend language, and have improved communication skills, speech recognition, and verbal ability.

5. Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are offering a new program for parents. Entitled "Raising a Reader," this two-hour session gives parents practical ideas they can implement immediately to help their children become motivated readers who read because they love it. Contact Thomas or Chick at www.thomashaller.com or www.chickmoorman.com to begin the discussion of possible dates.

6. The Washington State Legislature says it's time to focus on a 4th R in education---relationships.

The House passed a bill that would encourage public high schools to offer "family-preservation" classes on building loving relationships, resolving conflicts, and being responsible parents and managing money. The goal is to help students learn the value of strong, enduring relationships and reinforce the importance of families as the basic unit of society.

7. You may reprint any of our articles in your organizational newsletter without our permission. All we ask is that you print it in its entirety and add the following tagline:

Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose (available from Personal Power Press at toll-free 877-360-1477, amazon.com, and bookstores everywhere). Visit www.thomashaller.com, www.chickmoorman.com, and www.10commitments.net.

8. New research suggests that parents who request non-smoking sections in restaurants or refrain from smoking in front of their adolescent children significantly reduce the chances of their children becoming smokers. (Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center)

9. If you are enjoying your FREE subscription to the Response-Able Parenting Newsletter, please share it with others. Pass it on to friends and relatives who might also enjoy the ideas on enlightened parenting. When you do so, please tell them they can sign up for their own subscription by emailing ipp57@aol.com and asking to be added. You might include a note such as:

Hello Bill,

I am forwarding you a newsletter I have been enjoying for the past several months. I find it informative and useful and thought you might too. If you like it, email ipp57@aol.com and ask to be added. There is no charge.

Create a great day.

Your friend,

George


8. Humor


SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.


9. We get Email


Dear Chick and Thomas,

I loved your response to Ready to Pull My Hair Out. It's been a long time since my daughters have wanted me to wash their hair. Reading her email reminded me of the fun and the sometimes frustrating times in the tub! The saying "This too shall pass" is so very appropriate.

My daughters are now teens and at times I am pulling my hair out for different reasons. How I would love to sit next to the tub again, reading a children's story while one of them played in the tub. I sure didn't realize then how simple and delightful life was!

Keep up the good work. I enjoy your newsletters and always pick up new parenting skills.

Colleen Schultz

Hi,

I have a five-year-old son (oldest of three other siblings) who has a very hard time losing---whether in sports, board games, or whatever. He starts crying, yelling, and gets really upset, frustrated, and angry. What is the best way of handling his anger, frustration, and clear disappointment with himself and the game? We want him to feel good about himself regardless of whether or not he wins.

Thanks,

Mother of a Winner No Matter What

Dear Mother of a Winner No Matter What,

Our first thought is that five is too young to be involved in competition. We recommend cooperative games where everyone works together to create a result so all can win together.

When games are frustrating to children, they may be over the child's head. You may need to redirect here by structuring other activities that are not so frustrating.

Handle anger by naming it and reflecting it back to him. "I see you are really angry." "You seem really frustrated with this game." "Your tears show me you're unhappy with the results here." Honor his feelings and give nurturing.

Focus on what your son does accomplish. Stay away from evaluative praise like "Good boy" and "Great job." Use Parent Talk that speaks to accomplishments. "You put three pieces in the puzzle." "Oh, you found where another one goes." "I noticed you stacked the blocks as high as your waist."

And yes, continue to view your child as a winner, no matter what.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller

Hello Chick,

I was reading your book, Parent Talk: How to Talk to Your Child in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility. I was looking at the section of worst things you could say to your children. I realized there was one not on your list that needs to be added. I hear it regularly from my well-meaning, 20 years of nannying, but no kids of her own, sister-in-law. She says, "If my kids behaved like that I would send them to military school." She says it all the time, even when nothing that bad is going on.

I appreciated your honesty in the Parent Talk book when you shared how much easier it is to teach other people about these important verbal skills than it is to live them day in and day out. I recommend your book to everyone I know who has children.

Sincerely,

Name withheld so my sister-in-law doesn't see this

Dear Name Withheld,

I agree that the military comment could easily be added to the list of worst things to say to your children.

Thank you for your kind words about the Parent Talk book and for sharing it with others. Together we can all make a difference in the lives of parents and children. I appreciate your contribution.

Warmly,

Chick Moorman

Parent  Talk Book

Preview at Amazon.com

Note: It is not possible for Thomas and Chick to respond to all emails personally. Occasionally, they select one or more for publication in an effort to help parents become more Response-Able with their children.


To find out more about workshops, seminars, and keynote addresses presented by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller, contact them at (toll-free) 877-360-1477 or visit www.thomashaller.com or www.chickmoorman.com.

Copyright 2005 Chick Moorman Seminars and Haller's Healing Minds, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.